Oh sweet readers, as you and me know, bikini season is just around the corner. This means we are getting ready to let the sun kiss our skin, take a plunge in the sea (or the pool, I am not a beach person) and flaunt our fabulous figures (those long hours of body pump better start to show in me) in teeny tiny pieces of fabric we like to call the bikini. And even though every woman’s body is sexy in their own way, there are a few things that no woman can get away with, not in a bikini, not ever.
Sin no. 1: SPILLING OUT
A bikini is not lik a pair of jeans or a top, that with a little effort and a lot of pulling can fit. Yes, I am aware it is an elastic piece of clothing, and even though we can get our assets inside a smaller top or squeeze into those bottoms, the truth is they are most likely to spill out for everyone to see. A swimsuit is already, by itself, sexy. A tighter one will not make you sexier, but cheap. Think Ice-T’s wife, Coco. There are a chosen few who don’t suffer of common problems such as the dreadful “Love Handles”, but with the right kind of bottoms you can surely conceal them (a post of swimwear for every body type will be coming up soon). And for all of us busty ladies, we need to be extra careful. I love how my cleavage looks in a bikini top. But I am also well aware of the fact that if the fitting is not perfect, I might end up sporting some underboob cleavage. So try on bikinis, try on thousands of them until you find the perfect style, the one that compliments your figure. A tip, go to stores where you can buy the top and bottom separately, that way you won’t have to stick to one size for both parts.
Sin no. 2: THE SWIMMING SKIRT
Every woman is self- conscious about a part of her body, it’s not that cool but it’s part of being a girl. Guys also have problems in that department, you’ll be surprised how many are out there hating on their beer tummies, receding hairlines and man boobs. For chicks it’s often the thighs. It’s okay if you want to cover up. But no need to wear the abominable “swimsuit that looks like a dress”. There’s nothing wrong with some flirty ruffles, or a cute sarong. But a full skirt? Oh no, this is offensive, even if worn by a granny. With all retailers offering all kinds of beach cover-ups (playsuits, shift dresses, shirt dresses, sarongs, you name it), the only place acceptable for the skirt-suit is the trash can, or your chimney.
Sin no. 3: STRIPPERKINI
We all love monokinis. Even though tanlines are often an issue, they are sexy, they are trendy, and they enhance hourglass figures like no ordinary two-pice can. But there are times when the one piece can be taken to far, to a far away land called stripperville. Beware of this kind of swimwear, it doesn’t matter if you have Adriana Lima’s rocking body, you are never going to pull it off unless you are going for a “Hello I’m Candy and I like to rock the pole” kind of look. Take this into consideration, if the boob exposure is too much, if your lady parts are hanging out there for everyone to indulge in, if you feel like guys are going to want to put some dollar bills on your hips, stay away! I wish someone told this to Toni Terry, a mother of two, who recently commited this sin.
Sin no. 4: BEJEWELED
Oh the tackiness of body jewelry. It kind of makes my stomach cringe. There’s nothing wrong with a navel ring. But there is something wrong with navel rings that come with a chandelier attatched to them. If you want to show off your tummy, you are already doing it by wearing a bikini. Why would someone want to make a Christmas tree out of their belly by ornamenting it? And then there is the body chain, an artifact that one hangs around the neck and hips. The only difference between this and a dog leash, or an S&M collar is probably that the first is made out of gold and the last two with leather. Other than that, there is no difference.
Sin no. 5: GETTIN’ CHEEKY WITH IT
Well I just can’t help it if Ice-T’s wife comes to mind again. Meet Coco, the queen of cheap and a thong master. And a clear example of what a woman must never do, must never wear and must never be. The thong bikini may be a normal thing in Brazil, where heavenly bodies fall from the sky every ten seconds, and may also be normal to Coco and other “rap guys girlfriends” (I couldn’t resist to use the “I like big butts and I cannot lie” intro phrase.Oh Coco you bring out the worst in me!). But for the rest of us, we should keep our cheeks well protected from the sun, the lustful, male stares or other women’s snotty remarks. There’s no need to put that much of yourself out there, plus if sand gets everywhere when wearing normal bottoms, I can’t even begin to think where the sand can end up when wearing a “tanga” (spanish for thong). So if you like to show a bit of cheek, or like me, have a small backside and the normal cut bottom looks like a granny diaper, buy Brazilian briefs, less coverage, but not total butt exposure.
Sin no. 6: PEEK-A-BOOB (and some pubes)
You go out shopping for a perfect to piece, and there it is. A gorgeous bikini and it costs only $4.99! Ladies, there is a reason it costs that little. And before having to find out by yourself, along with 40 witnesses at the local pool, after a dive, take into consideration that because of the quality of the fabric, there is a possibility that when you walk out of the water, your nipple-areola combo may be hanging out. And your top, which was white when dry, is now wet, and sheer. So if you are buying low-cost swimwear, be sure to always buy it in a dark color. And when buying a white one (no matter the cost) always test if before going public, you don’t want to flash the entire world.
Now that we have cleared that out, let’s address another womanly issue. Waxing. May be painful, may be uncomfortable, but it is totally worth it. So everytime you are about to hit the beach, make your appointments, or DIY. Never wear a bikini without grooming down there. People may enjoy looking at bushes, those that have green leaves on them, not yours!
Sin no. 7: AQUAHEELS?
I consider myself a heel lover, I love my heels. If I could sleep in heels, I would. But I don’t, because I know that there are times where heels are uncalled for. You can’t sleep in them, you can’t workout in them, you can’t shower in them, and last but not least, you can’t go to the beach in them. It is physically impossible to walk in the sand, they cannot get wet (the ugly ass aqua shoes were invented for that sole purpose). So why do some women around the globe do it? Whatever their purpose is, the results are two, tackiness and probably a sprained ankle.
Usually where you find heels, you’ll also find a woman wearing plasters of makeup and some big ass earrings. That is even worse.
Now you know it! Don’t be a sinner, be a winner (stylewise)
All illustrations by Ana Sofia Alanis
This article is my personal opinion, not intended to offend anyone.